A lot of relationships have been negatively affected by this feeling of anxiety.. Do you know why? It's actually quite straightforward.
Starting a relationship that has the potential, for a long term future can often trigger feelings of anxiety.
Your inner voice starts to express concerns and doubts bringing up experiences where you've been hurt. It says things, like;
- "Remember all those times you were hurt? We can't let that happen again."
- "You're better than them! Lets find ways to criticize and doubt them convincingly."
- "They're too good for you! Down you know it. Eventually they'll realize it too. It's better to leave before the pain becomes overwhelming."
And it's not just your voice acting up when you're getting close to someone it happens even when you try to make positive changes in your life such as starting a business or improving your eating habits. This also applies if you embark on any development programs or express a desire for a coach/therapist/mentor. However discussing this further is, beyond the scope of this article.
So how can you prevent your anxiety from sabotaging your relationship?
How can you determine if your anxiety is indicating a threat or incompatibility as opposed to a temporary wave of emotions that will eventually subside?
Here are five helpful tools that can assist you in managing anxiety, in the context of relationships. These tips are applicable whether you're just starting a relationship or if you're already deeply involved and questioning whether to continue or move on.
Discover these 5 ways to conquer anxiety within your relationship ensuring that you don't undermine a promising connection;
1. Embrace the moment
One of the valuable techniques I often recommend to my clients when they find themselves entangled in anxious thoughts is distinguishing between "What if?" and "What is?" thinking.
"What if" thinking tends to trigger anxiety as it propels your mind into a future filled with fear based scenarios. On the hand "What is" thinking grounds you in the moment allowing you to objectively assess your situation, including any anxieties you may be experiencing.
Often, than not individuals dealing with anxiety have minds that generate a stream of unproductive fears. As Mark Twain wisely remarked, "I have experienced some things in my life a few of which actually happened."
How can you determine if the anxiety you're feeling in the moment is a genuine response, to your current situation?
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2. It's important to distinguish between "guidance anxiety" and "sabotaging fear."
Guidance anxiety arises when there is something that your inner self wants to communicate to you.
You may have experienced guidance anxiety if you've ever ignored your intuitions urging to pursue a person, career or creative project. In relationships guidance anxiety might manifest when there is an incompatibility, with your partner and your instincts are telling you it's time to move on.
Sabotaging fear is, like a feeling that suddenly acts out without any reason. When you try to have a conversation with this kind of anxiety and ask it if there's something it wants to tell you or if you're missing something it doesn't have much to say.
If theres no reason for your mind to be afraid of the person you're in a relationship with and if you both have a compatibility in terms of friendship and connection then it's likely that your ego is driving you to destroy the bond, between you at any cost.
However if anxiety is overwhelming you and it becomes harder to distinguish between guidance anxiety and sabotaging fear maybe seeking a perspective would be helpful.
3. Seek guidance from your companions
When you find it challenging to discern whether your anxiety stems from events or not turning to our confidants can serve as valuable mirrors to gain some perspective. Spend quality time with your partner. Have the company of friends, family members or those who are dear, to you. Then allow them to share their observations and reflections on what they perceive in your bond.
They might say, "Are you, out of your mind!? You two are absolutely adorable together. You appear to be very comfortable in each others presence they treat you with kindness. You spend your time laughing and cuddling. It seems like you have a connection. I give my approval!" Alternatively they might express concerns like "They seem unreliable and disrespectful towards you and your lifestyles are completely different. Your instincts are not mistaken. Perhaps it's best to end this relationship."
The feedback from your loved ones can provide insights and clarity about your situation. While one persons opinion shouldn't solely determine the fate of your relationship if there is a pattern, in the feedback (whether positive or negative) it would be wise to take it into consideration.
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4. Make sure to prioritize the aspects you love most about them
If you find yourself feeling more and more convinced that "This individual is truly beneficial, for me and my hesitations stem from fear of vulnerability or past heartbreak " then this advice will greatly benefit you.
Just as I frequently advise individuals, in on off again relationships to maintain a list of things they dislike about their ex partner front and center when you're attempting to alleviate anxiety within a relationship it's beneficial to have an available list of positive aspects. This way you will be reminded frequently of the reality of your partner.
Perhaps you appreciate their ambition, insightfulness, kindness or even the cuteness of their nose. Whatever it is that captivates you about your other consider placing your list of positives as your cell phone wallpaper or on a note that can be affixed to your bathroom mirror or computer screen. This way you will encounter them regularly.
5. Take a moment to reflect and ask yourself if this person helps you become more authentic and true to yourself or if they hinder that process.
While all intimate relationships require time, energy, attention and effort, in order to flourish ultimately the relationship that will dominate most of your life should be one where you feel like yourself and experience freedom.
Can you honestly say that this person contributes to your freedom? If so it's likely that you have an strong connection nurturing. On the hand if you feel confined restricted and disconnected from your self while being, in this relationship it may not be the best investment, for you.
Discover your principles reacquaint yourself with the purpose of your life and evaluate whether the individual you're, in a relationship with aligns with your self awareness. It's as straightforward, as that.
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Building Trust